The Sarcasm Express 2016

I’ve come up with my campaign strategy for when I run for president in 2016 (mark your calendars!). I’ve decided to anti-pander. Or un-pander maybe. Oh, or perhaps I’ll under-pander, which sounds kind of naughty. But it isn’t.

Anyway, here’s the deal: When I’m speaking to conservatives, I’ll tell them exactly what they want to hear, but sarcastically:

Durrr… when I’m president, I’m going to privatize the educational system because what our kids need more than anything is to feel the crunch of market forces… durrr….
Also… durrrr… We should give as much money as we can to rich people. Because who knows better how money should be spent than rich people?
Durrr… gay people are gross.

And for liberal audiences, I’ll just switch it around:

Durrr… America ruins everything. We shouldn’t do anything unless all the other countries say it’s ok. Durr.
Durr, If I were president, no one would be allowed to spend their money on anything because capitalism is evil. Instead, we would only be able to donate it… to EACH OTHER. Durrrrr….

Now if I can just resist the urge to say “Durr,” I will be the golden boy.

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